Long Day at Work

Well, how are you doing today. I can certainly say I am doing very well. I have a good job making about good money doing barely anything. I enjoy the things I do have to do, loading furniture, and assembling and things of that sort. I'm planning on getting my own cell phone seeing how everyone is planning on shutting off the house phones because everyones got a cell phone. WHATEVER.... okay moving on.

In relationships today we have not much going on.!!! The woman is winning or it atleast feels like it. You know how a guy makes you think your winning even know your not? Yeah. not sure if thats what is going on here. I read a great numerology report today about my hearts desire, made me really be able to put things in perspective.. CLICK HERE!!! if you want to get one too.

This guy I am working with needs his meds. He doesn't realize he needs any I don't think. But, today he really started to worry me. Talking to hisself... Freaking out for no reason, Changing subjects alot and constantly talking. I don't he ssaid hes not prescribed something.

Oh well, nothing too much more to talk about I'll keep you posted!

Confused Feelings

Now, I have confused feelings about my Babiilove we will now call him. Today he started being a dick head and wouldn't give me a lil money for cigarrettes after I smoked all mine with him. I think he was just being an ass since his sister was home. She doesn't like me and I don't like her. So she was mad I was even over there.

I am planning on starting a new regimen with my diet. Starting tomorrow. Now carbs but once a day. I think I can handle that. Next week I am planning on starting the physical workouts I have been planning on doing. Working out my abs is my main perrogative.

Not much has been going on. I am planning on starting to write a book. I will post parts of it on this blog. My life is filled with tons of twists and turns of life. I am going to tweak some of it just to make it a little more interesting and send it to a publisher.

If you have any thoughts or tips on doing this don't be afraid to contact me.

Insomniac

Well, last night I got a little tipsy,, But I was all awake all night and I tried to go to sleep but couldn't just because I was thinkin about my goober of a boyfriend. Oh well, he ended up calling me after a long night of making eachother jealous. I didn't ask for him back this time!!! Ha Ha Ha... He was being so sweet. But now, we just have to work on our trust.

I am soooo tired... I am probably getting ready to go to sleep. For a second anyways. I really hope he wasn't fucked up. I asked if he was too fucked up too know what he was doing and he said no He knew what he was doing. Thats my babii love he can't live without me.

Lonely but Its ALRIGHT!

The feelings of loss and loneliness could be the two most worst feelings a person could ever feel. If you could only know wether or not it's really right or wether its fighting for. I just think I hate change and I'm used to him being there. But I know one thing for sure no more excuse calls. I have to stop making up reasons to call him. Make him not only wonder but feel what it would really be like without me.

I went to my IOP (intensive outpatient program) class today. All went well, I have to get my prescription filled, I'm not even positive if my insurance is good anymore. Who knows. I got a letter today saying I need to call. Geodon is the name of it.

I thought about moving to snobsville... but I dont think I am. Maybe some other time. I just got news that my immediate family is moving to Florida... I don't want to move there it's wayyy to hott for my taste. I like the change of season which Indiana gives us. I appreciate the city I grew up in ya know?

I can't believe the Colts lost the superbowl... Thats sooo messed up. I didn't watch the game and I was expecting when I asked who won...everyone would naturally say "The Colts WOO" Well, no the Chargers won. Now I just hope the Patriots don't win. Screw them!!! GO GIANTS!! I am behind you 100%.

Back to me. I don't know how I feel. Wether or not I REALLY want him back. I just think I miss his presence. His love, and constant presence. HaHa at least I'm enjoying my me time. Thats what we needed good ol' me time. It's peaceful without him honestly. And more relaxing. I'm not ready for a new relationship I know that much. But, I am getting out slowly but surely. Talking to old friends and such. I really wonder if he cares what I am doing. Who knows don't really care (yes I do but we can pretend right?) Well so long for tonight and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Well, today is my BIRTHDAY।, HHHHEEEEELLLLLLLL YYYYYYEEEEEAAAAHHHHHH। Thats whats up.

I pretty much started my party yesterday. I got me a half oumce a 1/5 of Sailor Jerry's a 12 pk of Natty Ice, and a 1/5 of Boonesfarm. Not all of it was for me just the 1/5. And well pulling out of the liquor store the red and blues pull right on up behind us as were pulling into our destination. I'm shaking freaking out. To make things worse someone in the car had a warrant. To make things even worse than that I am on probation. So probable cause to search is all over the place. But the funny thing is, they had NO REASON to pull us over. So tell me that isnt stupid. Well, B BOY went to jail. I knew has soon as that short stocky pig got out of his car he had little man syndrome. You know the cocky guy thats a dick to make up for being small in more place than one. Yeah....They took our alchohol since B BOY was the only one over 21.

Well, we just went back to my house and got drunk with my mom. THANK YOU MOM FOR SAVING THE PARTY. We drank margeritas and budweiser which was way better than what we planned to begin with and still smoked the fat ass blunt I was dreaming about. Told that stupid Narcisst whats up which felt sooo good.



So listen to this I call him and he calls me back. And tell me why... hes like "We've been together for 2 years and all you have to call me for is a stupid red shirt."



(when we broke up a week ago I told him "I didn't love you I NEED you")



So Then I said "No Ernie I need you because I love you and since you don't love me I dont want you, so yes the only reason I have to call you is for the red shirt.



So hell yeah I'm winning this argument so fuck him... Thats all I care about anymore.



Well Before my Narcissist there was the Jail Bird and He was jsut as perfect as Ernie personality wise, and he was alchoholoic, and I only saw him once a week but tell me why,....



One night my mom looked at me and handed me the keys to her van. I cut the fuck out and went to his house. And we were going to the bar his buddy could get me into. And tell me why he went down a one way the wrong way. I told the cop a fake name cuz I was on informal house arrest. Then the van got towed and even know Jail Bird didnt have a license and was on probation he let us walk away. HELL YEAH Then we had to walk from the South side all the way to east side in the dead middle of the ghetto at 2:00 in the morning. The next morning I wake up and find out that my mom set me up and I done got a warrent for auto theft. I come home and I am arrested. Thats fucked up isnt it. I really don;t know till this day wether or not my mom really set me up.

In the Beginning

Everywhere you go you see something about a blog on the internet. So I figured I'd try to create one and actual stick to it. I have been My Spacing and I just don't like the idea of people I have known through out the years to get a sense of what really goes through my mind all day. So here I am just emptying my thoughts into this blank box on a computer screen.

For the record I have been diagnosed with bipolar, one of three different diagnoses. I have also been diagnosed with depression with lots of anxiety, and another time manic depressive. Now I'm just Bipolar. Who knows whats wrong with me. I know I am obsessed with my thoughts constantly thinking about the what ifs and the things I don't know is going on.

So to start off with I'll just let you know whats going on right now in my life. I broke up with my boyfriend Monday night after a long day of argueing and fighting and getting knocked around and emotionally abused. He usually maintains his anger but, a blast from the past is expected when I push him too far. ( I will tell you more about our past together later). But for the past few days I have been occupying my time with freidns I haven't talk to in awhile, surfing the internet, making amends with my family, and cleaning. I'm trying to focus on myself for a change instead of my narcissistic boyfriend...EX BOYFRIEND!

I am hoping to go to college at Ivytech I have been enrolled for over a year but have failed to go due to other things going on in my life. Problems with my grant, then being kicked out, then catching a case and being placed on probation. All during the time the my one love is in prison. He was locked up November 06.

Well, Maybe I should just give you the lowdown on him... I met him in late April 06. He was perfect. Went to work everyday knew how to party but kept his shit together. Bills payed, money saved, goals in mind, and the same interests as me. Perfect. Literally the ideal dream bhoyfriend. Well approximately a month after we were together we signed a lease to a small double on the east side in the middle of crackville... WE DONT DOO we just needed a place that was affordable and quick. Well that night on a 1/5 of gooD ol' erk n jerk (for those of you that dont know thats E & J) He put me in a head lock... Then over the period of the next 6 mos i endured being beaten up daily, weekly, whatever and emotionally abused... his alchoholilsm ended in being arrested nov 5th or so in 2006. We were broke up at the time and I wrote him knowing he was with his ex and I had to win and I did.., That was probably a big mistake in my life..,. Im still waiting to find out.

Well back to what I am trying to accomplish now, College, Job, Crib, Ride. Sounds easy way harder than it sounds..

Okay That was going to be a boring subject to ramble on about... but just so you get an idea of who I am since this is my first entry. I am in love with this boyfriend of mine. He doesnt deserve a name this is my space he will be known as my Narcissist. If that how you even spell it.. He is a great person but a kinieving asshole that gets inside my mind and twists and turns my thoughts making me think im always wrong and that I am a completge idiot and that he is soo much better than I and that I actually NEEEED him to continue on in my life. Yeah right fat chance.

This medecine I have been prescibed makes me feel calm and collected... and can concentrate on things unlike I used to maybe this is the answer to my problems who knows. We will see. I have no idea whats wrong with me honestly and I dont really car I just know that I am not right. I get uncontrollable impuleses. And sometimes fear I am way to paranoid about things. But you really shouldnt just trust everybody you meet up with should you.